My story -love.

Every girl needs love. I cant understand why some girls just throw it away when they get it from a good guy. I've always valued love high, i've always fought for it and alwais enjoyed it. Perhaps i give to much in a relationship. Yes, when i love someone, i want him to know it. When something comes inbetween us, i always figure out ways to solve it. Because i value love. 

 

But guys aint looking for that, they are looking for girls that is hard to get. Girls that are xassy and bitchy. Girls who dont care about you and just jump around in life. And then you get hurt, right? Asking yourself why you can never find a decent girl that just loves you? Well, i was here.

 

My first boyfriend and i talked on the phone every night. We told eachother that "i love you" bullshit. It wasnt real love but it was feelings, and those feelings felt more back then. We met two times a mounth and i never gave him sex. I thought it was the key to a good relationship, to wait. And then, we had been together for some month, i dont remember exactly but it was a speciall day. I ordered a bracelet with our date graded in it for him. But it would come a couple days to late. But still i went to him, and he was more cold then usual. We have decided to finally "make love" to eachother that day. So we went to his place. We made love and then went to the centrum. He was so wierd and finally i asked him like "what's up?" and i dont remember the answer exactly, but i remember that we broke up that day, and i went home crying. He broke up with me the same day that we slept together. That is fucke'd up for a girls ego.

 

Some time later i got to know another guy. We were perfect. He was exactly as i wanted my boyfriend to be. We met every day and i realy felt loved. And that was a realy good love i felt. He always kissed me and hugged me and told me how much he loved me. He was perfect. But after just a month or two, he broke up with me. No reason or anything. On valentines day. And that one REALLY felt. I realised that maybe i cant be loved. I know now the reasons for his breakup and it is not becaouse of me. But still a girl need love ?

 

Years after that i was a totally changed woman. Drugs and alcohol was the highlight of my days. I met another guy. I didnt like him at first, actually i used him. Used him for drugs, money, ciggaretts and so an. But after aa while, i started to get feelings for him and i started to imagine a future with him. He tried to fuck my friend, i forgave him. He made me pregnant and didnt show up at the hospital, i forgave him. He started seeing another friend of mine, i forgave him. He went away without saying a word, and came back, and i forgave him. He started seeing another skinny bitch, and i forgave him. I know, why the hell would i forgive him after all that? And its not just that, its hours of waiting for him and he never showed up, and cash he owned me and my family, and finding him in MY bed together with another girl. Yeah, when i'm typing this, my heart fills with anger and regret. But what kept me with him was that HE loved ME. He did but he took me for granted. And i never thought i would find love again. I thought  he was the one.  And after you forgive so much that you have already crossed your lines. You have already lost your honor to that man so why not fight for him so you havent lost it for nothing.

 

I regret it so much now and i wish i knew what i have done wrong in life, why i cant be loved? It is crazy and its hard to type this down.. i've never tolk anyone this. 

 

But i think  that my heart is rather cold right now. I've build't up some kind of wall to protect myself from being hurt again. And i really hope that the wall never gets teared down, if not for my future husband.